“How am I in this position again?” I thought I had grown from my last experience.
No matter how many things I go through in life, I’m still needing to relearn lessons.
Years ago, I was mad at my gal pal. She had sinned and I immediately judged her for it. I was angry and upset and felt as if her sin affected me directly. I was disappointed in her for messing up and for not seeing the error of her ways.
While sitting on my high horse, I let my judgments reign in myself and those eventually led to us getting into a big argument. I hadn’t had time to fully process what was happening within myself and with her and I was perfectly content to stay there with my judgments flying from my eyes and my mouth.
Then the thoughts came in. The thoughts that my Heavenly Father places in my mind when my emotions have had time to lower their volume and allow for something else to breathe life into me. I was reminded that even if she was in the wrong, I’m not the one to judge. It wasn’t my job and it continues to not be. I was finally able to see how we both viewed things.
When I’m not emotionally close to anyone, it’s easy to think I wouldn’t falter the same way they do. It’s easy for me to sit back and wonder how the heck they could have messed up.
I was reminded, however, of my own faults and that we shouldn’t be comparing our wrongs. It’s about how we move forward when we do mess up. I started to feel the conviction of my own heart for how I had judged her and with these new thoughts, I got down off my high horse.
With renewed insight, I was able to understand where she was at and I could finally communicate with her where I was coming from. It was a real eye opening experience for me.
God used her situation to teach me. It wasn’t easy, but when I let Him be judge and jury, I’m able to walk out what it really means to love someone, be there for them and see things clearly.
Drawing from that experience is helping me now. Unfortunately, I’ve found myself visiting my trusty high horse again, my seat of judgment and I am ready to rule on those that have done wrong; those that I perceive to be in the wrong.
Thoughts coming to my mind include, “I can’t believe they did this,” “How come I have to deal with this?” and “Shouldn’t something be done?”
You would think my past would help me.
The challenge I face is while I remember my past and God walking me through the obstacle with my friend back then, I have discovered that my emotions for my current situation are wanting to hold on to my judgments and they are holding on tight. They feel like comfort and it’s been a struggle to let go and let God take control.
The trouble is, when I stay there and wallow, then my spiritual growth becomes stunted. It’s now not a matter of moving forward in life and with God but about staying back and letting the things of this world wash over me, keeping me there – underdeveloped.
And I, my friends, am on a slippery slope of letting that happen.
Do I trust God? Yes. Am I believing that He’ll get me through this? Of course. So what’s the hold-up? In simple turns… ME.
I am so busy being hurt that I’m letting those emotions override anything that God may want to show me through this. The questions before me is this: “Do I stay there, in the pit of wallowing, or do I move forward?”
One feels easy and one looks hard but the choice is always mine. God has been with me the whole time and He’s helping me to see my current state and what I should do.
The question still remains. Will I move forward and get out of my wallowing?
The answer is YES. The first steps, however, will feel like I’m trudging through the mud and, at times, it might not feel like I made the right decision. I know I’ll want to look back and retreat.
If my own history has taught me anything, then I need to keep my eyes focused on God and everything that He stands for. Then I know the trudging will turn into something much easier to get through until I am finally out of the wallowing pit and on solid ground.
The lessons I’ve learned and continue to learn from these moments in my life are invaluable and as much as I would like to not have to deal with any of these, I know they are strengthening me. They’re revealing my character and they continue to highlight to me who my God is.
They also keep me off my high horse, my judgmental chair and allow me to see things differently.
Praise God for His guidance.Jaime GomezPort YWAM Kona Communications Staff